Written by Patrick Lacombe
Ladies, there is one important thing that you should know about your man. He does not like to go clothes shopping. In fact, most men would rather have their toenails extracted without any anesthesia. The only things a man actually likes to shop for are tools, trucks, or ATVs. Oh, I forgot guns. We can walk around all day in a sporting goods store looking at guns and related items, but please don’t make us try on pants.
If I were President, I would make all clothing stores off limits to men. There would be signs posted near the entrance similar to the 30-06 sign for handgun owners warning men to stay away. I would also enact a law stating that boots, jeans, and overalls must be sold in all hardware stores and gun shops. In addition, fitting rooms would not be allowed. If the legs are too long, just roll up the cuff a bit. If the waist is too small, either stretch them with a come along or cut a slit in the waistband. There would also be a ten minute time limit in the clothing department. Most men would be out of there in five.
A man will wear his clothes until there are no longer any threads holding them together. This does include underwear and socks, so please stay out of his drawers. No pun intended. It seems that just when we get our clothes all comfortable and worn in, they disappear and new stiff clothing replaces them. Men like soft, comfortable clothes so we can bend or stretch without binding in certain places. I worked with a guy years ago and his wife used starch in everything she washed, yes even his tighty whities. He was the most miserable person I ever met. He was constantly pulling here and tugging there trying to loosen his clothing. He would bite your head off at the slightest provocation but when we would go to the gym and play tennis, he was the nicest person you would ever want to meet. After a few weeks, I came to realize that his attitude changed as soon as he put on his tennis clothing, which we left in our lockers at the gym.
I have been to several funerals where the man had requested to be buried in his favorite jeans and tee shirt. If a person never wore a suit and tie while he was alive, he certainly does not want to spend eternity in one. We want to be comfy in our final resting place, not starchy. One friend of mine was a carpenter, and he was buried with his bib overalls and his pencil in his pocket. We were so used to seeing him like that and nobody gave it a second thought.
It’s a good thing clothing stores do not depend on a man spending money to keep them open. The malls would have nothing but cobwebs and tumbleweeds floating around inside. The only stores that would be open would be the Orange Julius and a Weiner Schnitzel. Have a happy new year and may God bless!